Thought of You
by Forever's Cancelled
Summary: It's been three years since her mom passed away in a car accident she thought was her fault. After that she lost it. A year later she got pregnant at band camp. She had Ben to help her through it and even after John was born. Then he left her. Now all she has is John, her Dad, and Ashley. Will Ricky be there for her as well? Warning: Self-harm and depression
1. Chapter 1

"Hey mom." Amy said as she sat her mothers grave that afternoon. "I miss you so much. John's almost a year old now. I love him so much. You would like him. Ricky is a great father, he would do anything for John. I would too, but I don't know if I'm the best mother. Ben broke up with me about 4 months ago and it really took a toll on me. I've been getting better though." She said sadly. She looked around the graveyard cautiously as the October air blew leaves around the gravestones. "It's been almost 2 months since I did it. The new anti-depressives the doctors gave me really help. I've been trying hard not to get sad, but when I'm alone I start to think and when I think I think about all the bad things that have happened, which makes me sad. So I try not to be alone a lot. I try to spend most of my time with John, but when Ricky takes him for the weekends I like to stay with Dad or Ashley." Amy stated. It was almost three years now since Anne passed away in a car accident. Amy was in the accident with her mother, but survived. Her  
mom died on impact. Amy doesn't really remember that night very well, which is partially good since it makes her depressed when she thinks of it. After the accident and finding out her mother hadn't made it, Amy had a break down. She went into a bad state of depression and still hasn't recovered from it. Amy hated herself because she thought the accident was her fault no matter how many times her family and even the doctors told her it wasn't. And they were right. It wasn't Amy's fault. It was the other drivers fault, he had been drinking that night and obviously wasn't paying attention. Amy did things to try and make the pain go away. Things such as self-harming. She always thought that seeing the blood eased the pain. And for her it did. She wanted to take her mother's place and she had been the one to die in the accident, but she couldn't. Her and her mom were very close, as her dad and Ashley were as well. That's why it hurt so much even after three years. The only happiness brought to her since then was John. And maybe Ben. "It's so hard mom. I'm trying..." Amy said fighting tears. "A-Ashley wants to travel around the world with Toby and that leaves me with just dad and John. What if dad goes somewhere for the weekend? I'll be alone. I need someone to keep me company. Someone to make me happy. Ever since Ben left me for someone else I've been trying to stop. It was so hard, but it's been two months and I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I need to ease the pain, mom. Dad tries to help the best he can. He tells me that he loves me all the time and that I make him happy. Me and John. But it's so hard. I don't have many friends unless you count Ricky. Which he doesn't know about my depression. So I have no one to share my feelings with. I wish-" Amy was cut off by her cell phone vibrating in her pocket. She pulled it out and answered it.

"Hello."

"Hey Ames. I just wanted to make sure your okay and let you know that I'm going out tonight. Will you be okay for a couple of hours?" Her Dad asked her worried about leaving her alone.

Amy tried to regain her composure before answering," Yeah Dad. You go out. Have fun and I'll be okay. I'll be home soon."

"Are you sure, Ames? Because I can stay if you need me to."

"I'm sure. Its a Saturday night go have fun Dad. I love you." Amy said encouraging her father to go out.

"I love you too." He said before hanging up.

Amy told her mother good bye and walked home slowly. She went in through the front door and called out for her Dad to see if he was still home. He wasn't. She walked up the stairs slowly and went into her bedroom. She threw her purse on her desk and sat down on the edge of her bed, thinking. She looked at the big chest at the end of her bed and contemplated opening it or not. She sat there for at least 10 minutes before standing up and opening it. She stared into it and saw the little black box sitting in the corner of the chest. She slowly picked it up and sat right in the middle of her bed and opened it. She saw all the different types of blades she had stored in the little box. She picked up a semi thin razor and eyed it cautiously. Then slid it over the smooth skin of her wrist. She knew she was creating more scars to go along with the others, but all she cared about at the moment was seeing the blood flow from her wrist. She quickly grabbed a bigger blade than the other one and slid it over her other wrist, then one last time on the wrist she began with. Amy let the tears flow from her eyes as she stood up slowly and took her clothes off. She sat on the floor with her back against her bed sobbing in only her underclothes. She slid the razor across her stomach and watched the blood ooze from the cut. She did it once more as she sat against her bed sleepily. Amy stood up once again and grabbed an oversized t-shirt from her dresser and threw it over herself. She didn't bother cleaning herself up seeing as she was very tired from crying. She put the blades back where they belong and crawled into bed, crying herself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

George finished making breakfast for him, Ashley, and Amy and told Ashley to wake Amy up. She rolled her eyes, but obliged. She made her way up the stairwell slowly and knocked on Amy's door before walking in.

"Amy...it's time to get up Dad made breakfast." Ashley said groggily. She waited for Amy to stir and she didn't so Ashley said the same thing once more. Amy still didn't move or show any sign of registering so Ashley went over to her bed and shook her a couple of times.

"What?" Amy asked sleepily.

"Get up. Dad made breakfast and he wants you down there." Ashley answered.

"No." Amy said turning her head the other way, opposite her sister.

"Yes. And hurry. I didn't really want to do this in the first place."

Amy didn't answer her so Ashley ripped the comforter from Amy and Ashley gasped. There was blood covering the sheets and Amy.

Amy sat up and yelled," What the hell, Ashley?"

"Amy. Why did you do this? I-I don't understand." Ashley said sadly.

"Because." Amy said quickly while grabbing the blanket and covering herself completely as she lay back down.

"Dad!" Ashley yelled for him seeing as Amy was being stubborn and was having a problem.

George came running up the stairs and once he reached Amy's bedroom he asked," What happened?"

"Nothing." Amy mumbled curling into a ball under the covers.

"Amy had a problem." Ashley said motioning towards Amy.

"What's wrong, Amy?" George asked her softly approaching her.

"Nothing." She answered sadly. Amy didn't know why she was sad all the sudden. Hearing her Dad's soft voice made her heart sink at the thought of him seeing her like this again. He does everything for to keep her happy and prevent this, but here she goes doing exactly what he doesn't want, once again.

"Are you okay, Ames?" He asked crouching down next to her and rubbing her arm above the blanket.

"Yeah." She said softly looking into his concerned eyes.

Ashley shook her head when George looked at her telling him she was not okay. He gave Ashley a questioning look and she answered it by motioning with her hand on her wrist sliding it back and forth as if she were cutting herself. When George realized what her motions were he was upset.

He sighed," Amy...come downstairs I made you some breakfast."

"I'm not hungry." She said with her eyes closed.

"Well you have to get up either way so lets go." He said standing up.

Amy didn't move.

"Amy if you don't get up I'll rip the covers from you again." Ashley said slightly annoyed with her stubbornness. George glanced at Ashley hesitantly. Ashley shrugged and pulled the blankets from Amy once again.

George jumped back a little," Ames...why did you do this to yourself?" Amy sat up and crossed her legs as she sat on her bed. She shrugged in response. "Amy..." He said as she stood up and walked to the bathroom. He followed her along with Ashley. She left the door open as she opened the bathroom cabinet and took her anti-depressives completely oblivious to her father and sister standing outside the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror and saw the dried blood covering her arms and shirt. She gripped the counter tight with both hands as she felt the  
tears coming on again. She took deep breaths as she tried to contain herself.

"I-I'm sorry." She stuttered.

"Oh it's okay Amy. You don't have to be sorry." Her Dad said softly as he stood outside the bathroom with Ashley.

"I don't know why I did this. I was just thinking last night and I got really upset and..." Amy started, but stopped because the tears started to fall quickly. She tried to stop, but it only made her start sobbing. She pulled at her hair and slowly sat on the cold tiled bathroom floor.

"It should have been me!" She yelled as she sobbed. George sat down beside her and put his arms around her trying to calm her down.

"Shhh...Ames. It's okay. It's okay."He said calmly.

Ashley stood off to the side observing and feeling pain for her sister.

"No it's not! I should have been the one to die! Not her!" She yelled sobbing.

"No Amy. Don't talk like that. You're here with us. That's how it was suppose to be. Its okay. Calm down, sweetheart." George said trying to calm her down saying things he's said a couple times before when she had breakdowns like this. He sat on the floor beside her wrapping his arms around her as she rested her head on his shoulder with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them.

"No. It's. Not. Okay. I want to die." She said through shallow breaths. George always hated when she said that. She's had only said it three times now and it hurts him. He already lost Anne. He hated hearing Amy say that.

"Amy. Listen Ricky is coming over early today to drop John off. He should be here any minute. You don't want John or Ricky to see you like this do you?" He asked. She shook her head calming down at the mention of John's name. "Okay well how about you take a shower and Ashley and I will take care of you sheets and stuff. Okay?"

She nodded and stood up. She walked in her room to get a change of clothes and went back to the bathroom to take a shower.

George and Ashley were pulling the sheets off of Amy's bed when Ashley asked," Why don't you just take away her cutting blades?"

"Because. If I take them away she'll know they're gone and that will make her have the urge to cut even more and since she wouldn't have anything she would use anything that was able to cut her skin and anything could be dangerous."

"More dangerous than razor blades?!" Ashley asked.

"It depends. It's like she has to have the blades. Like you have to have food or water. Just knowing she has them is good for her. If she doesn't have them we would have to take stuff away from her. Plus it's doctors orders." He said smiling at the end.

"Why did she break? I thought her doctor gave her a stronger type of anti-depressives or whatever."

"It'll take some time for her to adjust to the new pill." He answered her. It was silent for a minute as they put new sheets on the bed.

As George was leaving the room Ashley asked," Do you think she means it when she says she wants to die?"

"Honestly Ash...I can't answer that. I really don't know, but I hope not." He said. Before she could respond the doorbell rang. He walked down the stairs and answered the door.

"Hey George."

"Ricky." George said as Ricky walked inside.

"Where's Amy?" He asked as he handed George John and set his bag down.

"She's in the shower." George said cautiously.

"Oh. I wanted to talk to her. You think I could wait fo-" Ricky was cut off by George.

"No. She has stuff to do today. You can talk to her later. Bye Ricky." George said quickly.

"Um...okay. Will you tell her I want to talk to her?" He asked.

"Yeah. Will do. Bye." George said as he was pushing Ricky out the door with John in one hand.

"Bye." Ricky said as the door was shut in his face. That was weird he thought to himself.

[...]

Amy sat John down in his crib and kissed his head. She had just finished bathing and feeding him and he was tired. She walked downstairs to get herself something to eat when she ran into her dad.

"Oh hey." She said.

"Hey Ames. What's up?" He asked her as he washed the dishes.

"Um...I wanted to apologize for this morning. I don't know what I was thinking. I just-"

"You don't have to apologize, Amy. It's okay. Don't worry about it." He smiled. "Oh and when Ricky came by today he said he wanted to talk to you. I don't know what it's about he just said he wanted to talk to you and to tell you that."

"Okay. Thanks for letting me know." She smiled at him.

"Yup. I'm going to bed. Goodnight. I love you." He said as he hugged Amy.

"I love you too. Goodnight." She said as she hugged him back. He went up stairs as Amy prepared herself a sandwich and wondered what Ricky had to talk to her about.


End file.
